Consider the other person’s feelings as important as your own

Carnegie boldly claims:

If you only get one thing from his book, let it be this tip. It will easily prove to be one of the stepping stones to your success.

I have to agree with him. It’s a simple yet foundational shift that changes your communication. Humans have a primal need to be understood. You can only understand them by truly listening to them. When you do, you encourage the other person to be more open minded about your ideas.

A certain way to piss people off and how to avoid it

Telling someone they’re wrong is a guaranteed way to get their back up. Instead say, “Maybe I’m wrong, but let’s examine the facts.” Then hear them out. Admitting you might be wrong stops an argument while inspiring the other person to be fair and open-minded. It also provides them the space to admit they might be wrong.

Sometimes you have to criticise people so that they can improve. To give constructive criticism, always start with genuine positive praise and appreciation. When I was a Toastmaster (public speaking club), the standard format for feedback was commend, recommend, commend. It’s affectionately known as CRC. Always sandwich constructive criticism between two positive praises. It makes it easier to swallow.

When you mess up, ‘fess  up fast and furiously

Admitting your own mistakes first is another way to ease into constructive criticism; knowing others are making mistakes makes hearing advice and criticism much easier to accept. The same applies when you’re speaking with prospective clients, when you want to point out where they’re making a massive mistake. If you point out the mistake first, they will get defensive and shut down. If instead you mention it’s a common mistake or an industry blind spot, they’re less likely to be defensive and will more likely open up to you. When you are wrong, always admit it quickly and emphatically.

When you mess up, 'fess up fast and furiously Click To Tweet

When they mess up, make faults easy to correct

If you tell anyone they are dumb at a certain thing, has zero talent for it and they’re doing it all wrong, you destroy every incentive to try and improve while diminishing every ounce of confidence in them.

Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know you have faith in their ability to do it.

For example, my focus is helping people who’ve never sold before, get clients. I help them realise how simple it is by explaining that there’s nothing to it apart from being deeply caring and deeply curious about people and asking questions. My clients let go of their resistance and work harder to learn. They amaze themselves with their own achievements.

The experiments of celebrated psychologist BF Skinner revealed that when criticism is minimised and praise emphasised, people will give more and reinforce the good. The poorer things atrophy from lack of attention. When you praise, be specific. For example, “You’re a great listener, the question you asked about the investments shows you listened and understood.” Obviously, the praise it should be genuine

Give honest and heartfelt appreciation

The only way to get someone to do something is by making them want to do it. People have a desire to be appreciated and feel significant.

In 1886 William Gladstone was up against Benjamin Disraeli for the post of prime minister of the United Kingdom. A week before the election, both men happened to have dinner with the same woman. The press asked her what impressions the rivals had made on her. She said, “After dining with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England. But after dining with Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest person in England.”

Guess who won the election? It was the one who made others feel intelligent and fascinating. Often in gatherings, especially when no one knows each other, sometimes it sounds like a game of one-upmanship. Always make the other person the smartest in the room. It makes them feel good and they associate that good feeling with being around you.

To be interesting, be interested

To be a good conversationalist, be a good listener and encourage the other person to talk about themselves. People are 100 times more interested in themselves than in you or your problems.
The road to people’s hearts is to talk about what interests them most. Any guesses what that might be?

Talk to people about themselves and they’ll listen to you for hours.- Benjamin Disraeli Click To Tweet

I used to make annual trips to the World Bank meetings for work and hated the evening networking. My strategy was to let the others talk. One time, after 20 minutes chatting with an investment banker, he said, “What an interesting conversation, thank you very much, I enjoyed that, good to meet you.” I asked about five questions and he did ALL the talking.

The best way to get the best out of an argument is by avoiding one

The funny thing about arguments is that you never win. Win or lose, you lose. By running over the other person’s view, you feel superior and make them inferior. You hurt their pride and they will resent you. It’s a vacuous victory, you’ll never earn a person’s goodwill by putting them down.

You can measure the size of a person by what makes them angry.

To avoid arguments, focus on areas of agreement and where can you admit your mistakes. Doing so disarms the other person.

One time I took the train for a work engagement about an hour out of London. On my return, I realised I threw away the return ticket instead of the surplus receipt. When the ticket inspector checked tickets, I explained I threw the wrong stub and gave him the receipt to show I bought a return.

“Sorry ma’am, you’ve not got the correct ticket for this journey, you will be charged the full single ticket price.” The additional price would amount to double the entire journey.
“But you can see I paid for my ticket, I’m not avoiding the fair, isn’t a bit unreasonable?”
He repeated, more sternly, “But madame, as per our policy, you are not in possession of the correct ticket for this travel, so I am going to charge you the full valid fair for the journey.”

Legally, he could have charged me the fare from the beginning of the train line, not just from where I boarded, which would have cost more than £100. I could tell he wouldn’t move his position.
“You’re right, you’re doing your job, and a good one too. What’s the damage?”
His face softened, “I will check over there and then I’ll be back.” And I didn’t see him again.

I’m not suggesting you dodge train fares or give-in instead of standing your ground during important conversations. But in this moment, I could tell he didn’t like his authority being challenged and I could always dispute the ticket afterwards. If I continued arguing, he would continue making me wrong by repeating the same phrase. Making him right empowered him to let me off the hook. 😉

Be like Socrates

Socrates, a classical Greek philosopher, was known for asking questions to stimulate critical thinking and persuasion. To get agreement, get the other person saying “yes yes” early. Doing so sets the psychological process in a positive direction. When someone says yes, they’re not just saying it with words; their entire nervous system says yes. You get the “yes yes” by asking two consecutive questions that leads to agreement.

“You have a lot of equity in this house. Should a horrible thing happen, wouldn’t you want it to go to your next of kin without giving most of it away to the tax man?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Don’t you think it would be a good idea to sort it out in case anything happens, so your wishes will be carried out without delay?”

When you want to ask someone to do something, instead of saying, “Don’t write it like that”, ask them, “Do you think that would work?” Or, “Maybe if we structured it like this, what do you think, better?” This way gives the other person the freedom to choose, values their input and encourages cooperation.

Let people think the idea is theirs

No one likes other people’s opinions rammed down their throat and neither do people like being told what to do; it’s called psychological reactance theory. When you feel your freedom is being taken away – which is how it feels when you’re being told what to do – you’re strongly motivated to do the opposite. Instead, let people come to their own conclusions and restrain the desire to take credit for everything.

Give them a fine reputation to live up to

When you want someone to adjust their behaviour and improve in a certain area, act as though that trait already exists within them. I love the example in the book where a Ms Hopkins, a fourth-grade teacher from Brooklyn, New York, looked at the student list for her new class next term. On that list a name jumped out like a spider. Tommy T! Ms Angela, his third-grade teacher, complained about him all the time to anyone who would listen, claiming he had serious discipline problems.

When Ms Hopkins greeted her new students on the first day, she made a few comments to each student, like “Rose, I hear your drawings are beautiful, Sam, I’ve heard about your sports, Tommy, I understand you’re a born leader. I’m going to need your help making this the best class in fourth-grade this year.” For the next few days Ms Hopkins reinforced his new reputation by complimenting everything he did. Little Tommy didn’t let her down.

Appeal to nobler motives

Following a workshop, I spoke on the phone with a workshop attendee. The lady was very happy so I was surprised when I received a notice from Paypal that this same person requested a refund for her “accidental” ticket purchase.

I could have reacted two ways:
1) Why that cheeky so and so, trying to screw me over…
2) Oh, I wonder what happened? Must be a mistake.

Fortunately, I chose the latter. I sent her a text message,

When in doubt, the only reasonable way to proceed is by appealing to their sincere, honest and truthful selves, and you will see that most people are willing to cooperate.

Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half away. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.
– William James, psychologist and philosopher

I love this quote and it applies to you, too. You possess dormant powers which you’re not using. One of those powers is the ability to influence people, inspiring them to realise their fullest potential. If you embody this mindset with every single person you encounter – friends, family, colleagues, clients – they will enjoy your company. It’s a new way of being and changes everything.

Over to you.

Which one item from this list can you pick and start practising today? Tell me in the comments.

Keep soaring.

You can buy How to Win Friends and Influence People, by clicking on the book cover, below.